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Dear Dr. Frankie,
I had a sneaking suspicion for the past year that my partner of 11 years was having an affair. I finally convinced her to go to couples therapy because I felt the distance between us growing. My partner eventually admitted having a two-year affair with a close friend of ours. Can I ever trust her again? Does this mean her character is so flawed that she is incapable of having a monogamous relationship? My world is shattered and I don’t know if my marriage is salvageable and beyond that I don’t even know if I want to salvage it.
Dear Betrayed,
Eleven years is quite a significant amount of time. If the relationship was happy and fulfilling prior to the past several years my advice is not to make any immediate decisions about the relationship.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
I’ve been married to my partner for eight years. We have a wonderful relationship with one MAJOR exception! Look up Lesbian Bed Death and you will see our faces! Please help-we haven’t had sex for at least six months. We talk about it openly but the more time passes the more difficult and awkward it is to rekindle. What to do?
Dear Bed Death,
Obviously you both need to figure out how to reignite the flame. You have obviously connected on many other levels so remind yourself of this when your anxiety around sex builds. My suggestion to you is to not rush or force physical intimacy.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
My partner and I have been together for about eight years. For the past several years I’ve become more and more jealous of my partner’s relationship with her ex-girlfriend. Before my partner and I met she was with another woman and they had a child together. My partner was not the one who ended the relationship. I won’t go into the gory details of their breakup but my partner was devastated, it was not what she wanted. I met my partner about two years after their breakup. We have a good relationship but I worry that she is still in love with her former partner (who by the way does not like me). I really respect and love that my partner maintains a good relationship with her former partner in order to co-parent their child. It bothers me that my partner and her ex-girlfriend went to the same places and restaurants that we also love. I’m pretty sure that she still has feelings for her ex-girlfriend. Do I need to worry about this?
Dear Worry Wart,
As you already know there are very few perfect situations. You are making an assumption that your partner has feelings for her ex and this may or may not be true. Rather than making assumptions I think it would be healthy to have a discussion about your concerns.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
My partner and I have been together for two years now. She is wonderful and we are compatible in every way but one and unfortunately it’s a big one. I was raised as an Orthodox Jew and she was raised as a devout Baptist. Although I don’t go to synagogue as often as I should, I’m deeply attached to my culture and feel strongly that my (future) children be raised Jewish. My partner goes to church on Sunday and is very close to her religion. We both want kids and she wants to raise her child as a Baptist. Aside from this very important but difficult issue of religion we are great together. Can we overcome this? I’m feeling more and more anxiety about it as time goes on.
Dear Hoping to Avoid a Schism,
It sounds as if your relationship would sustain if children were not involved. Unfortunately, since you both feel strongly about having children and raising them in your own faiths, I predict very troubled waters ahead.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. Last year she dropped a bombshell and decided to go abroad and study for her Master's degree overseas. She basically did what she wanted without taking my feelings into consideration. Last week she called and said she wants the freedom to sleep with other women even though she doesn't want to have a relationship with them. Honestly, I hate this idea and it makes me distrust whatever she is doing over there. I feel like I'm stuck in a bad situation where if I say no she'll just do whatever she wants or else not do it and resent me, but if I say yes I'm agreeing to something I don't want and is against my morals.
Dear Feeling Compromised,
If you are really invested and committed to staying in the relationship, discuss the possible parameters of opening up the relationship. This will allow you to lay some ground rules that might make the situation more tolerable for you, as well as give you some feeling of control.
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