Why Do My Relationships Never Last?

Dear Underwhelmed,


I hear and agree with your frustrations. This is obviously a complex question with a more complex answer. Relationship failure is not unique to the gay community as heterosexual divorce rate is also climbing. Here are my thoughts on the subject in no particular order:

The advancement of women. The advancement of women is a trend that impacts both the straight and gay communities. Modern women are more independent than ever before. We have been afforded more opportunities in athletics, education, and the workplace, all of which lead to an increased sense of empowerment. We are free to make our own decisions and we have the financial means and educational background to back up these decisions. Historically women have stayed in unhappy or abusive relationships when they should have left, but this is less the case now. Career minded women also focus a great deal of their energy and attention on their careers, and this can lead to an imbalanced personal life where relationships are not always prioritized. 

Technology and social media. Studies show, and it is also my opinion that technology, including smart phones and social media, are significant contributing factors to our growing sense of isolation. Common sense would say that because of social media sites like Facebook and Twitter, that we are connected to one another on an unprecedented level. Interestingly, depression and reported feelings of isolation are on the rise. This could be because although these sites have enabled us to connect with long lost friends and maintain relationships with people we would have otherwise lost contact with, our communication with them is superficial and often passive. Even though we might be connected to childhood friends we often find ourselves following their adventures in a voyeuristic, passive way rather than simply meeting them for lunch to catch up. Another problem with the social media boom is that because we are reconnecting with people from our past, the “grass is always greener” syndrome can raise its ugly head. I have sat across from many a client who has reported that they reconnected with an old flame and whether they realize it or not, fantasies get played out. This cyber relationship is an escape from their mundane reality. They find themselves communicating with this person about the funny things that happened at work, and what they wished they were doing rather than what they were actually doing. These are thoughts and conversations we should be having with our real-life friends and partners. Instead these are being directed via cyberspace to an old flame. Social media has made us more vulnerable to getting derailed from significant real-life relationships.

Internalized homophobia. Here’s a trivia question for you, when was homosexuality removed from the Diagnostic Statistic Manual (DSM)? If you guessed 1955 you would be dead wrong. The answer is 1986, a mere 26 years ago. Widespread acceptance of homosexuality is in its infancy. I believe one result of this is that there is a high rate of internalized homophobia. We pick up overt as well as subtle forms of discrimination from our friends and family. Most gay couples I know who have been married paid for their own weddings, their parents didn’t pay. Many gay couples who have been together for years have never even had a wedding. Even when we are coupled we are often not invited to our straight couple friend’s more intimate get-togethers. Our children are sometimes mysteriously excluded from activities. Even though most people are friendly (hopefully), there often appear to be mysterious, invisible barriers between us and “mainstream” society. Well, sometimes this feeling of isolation can be internalized and the message is that we are somehow inadequate and our relationships are not as valued. This can result in self-sabotage. If our friends, family and society don’t value and support us in our relationships then it can be easy for us to devalue them as well.

Lesbian bed death. Another common problem is lesbian bed death. Unfortunately women often do not prioritize sex and intimacy in the same way men do. Testerone drives libido and is of course found in greater quantities in men. The onset of lesbian bed death can lead to relationship doldrums and eventually ruin. Without intimacy people feel lonely, disconnected, sexually isolated, and they often veer off. 

Trauma. It is important to note that the rate of sexual trauma for women is about 25%. For very obvious reasons, victims of sexual abuse often have a hard time letting themselves be vulnerable. Their ability to trust others and create healthy relationships can also be impaired.

Drama. I personally have a theory about drama. As lesbians we are already navigating a smaller population of eligible partners. Most of us also have many lesbian friends. In the gay community we often frequent the same coffee shops, bars and neighborhoods. When there are less women available and many of us hang out in the same places, there is a higher chance that you could find yourself attracted to your friends, or your friend’s ex, or even your ex’s ex. And predictably that leads to more drama within the community. I have also noticed a higher rate of delayed adolescence within our community. A friend of mine was telling me recently about a wild party where a woman became so intoxicated she peed on someone’s couch while passed out. If the woman was in college or maybe even her early 20’s this wouldn’t be seen as a completely abnormal occurrence, some might event find it funny.

However, it’s not quite so endearing when we are talking about a 35-year-old. Of course this is a specific incident I mention, but I find overall that as a community we are very accepting of alcohol-abuse and even “social” use of cocaine and methamphetamine. This is unhealthy behavior and the fact that it runs rampant in our community I believe speaks to the low expectations we have for ourselves.

Disposable mindset. We now have a mindset where virtually everything can be replaced, including relationships. I would venture to guess that most of us drive cars that aren’t paid off, and once they are paid off we get bored. We lease brand new cars for 24-36 months, we walk away from our mortgages, we replace our perfectly functioning iPhone with the newest version that has Siri. In fact many manufactured items are made shoddily to last a year or two tops, with the expectation that they will be replaced anyway. I also believe it is a similar phenomenon and translates to short attention spans in relationships. Many people, straight and gay, fall prey to the idea, “hey you never know what else is out there, I’m sure I am missing out on something great!” Our parents and especially grandparents did not approach life with the expectation of instant gratification. They understood that relationships took time to grow and at times were a hell of a lot of work. Again, I think some of us suffer from low expectations and when our three-year relationship gets “boring” we go out searching for something more exciting. There simply is not an expectation that our relationship last 50 years and weather the “till death do us part” storm.