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I have been "taking it slow" for a month and a half with a girl that was previously my friend. Several months ago she got out of a seven-year relationship; I know she still has feelings for her ex. She also slept with another close friend almost two moths ago. She used to always tell me she wants to be with me, but she treats the other girl she slept with like a princess compared to me. She recently got evicted and is living with her ex. She doesn't talk to me as often as she used to, and we live two hours away from each other. Ever since her best friend kept pushing her to ask me out she's been pushing me away. I know she has a lot on her mind right now with the eviction, but she can't tell me if she still wants to be with me or not. She keeps her feelings so bottled up it’s hard to get her to talk to me about us. Does it sound like I'm wasting my time? Should I stick it out and just try to be there for her until it’s over and she can figure it out? By the way she's never been in a relationship with someone who didn't cheat on her or beat the crap out of her, so she's not used to someone treating her right. I think that the idea of being with someone like me who can treat her right actually scares her—and ultimately makes her push me away.
Dear Confused and in Love,
It sounds like you are interested in someone who has a pattern of dating women who are emotionally unavailable. By this I mean women who are unable to love and care for her in a healthy way. People repeat unhealthy patterns because they are familiar and comfortable, even in spite of their better judgment. It seems as if this woman does not feel that she deserves anything better than what’s she’s experienced. The fact that you treat her well is unfamiliar, which means less comfortable, to her even though it is the healthier choice.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
I haven't been in a relationship for two years. I feel like I am finally over my ex and am ready to date again. The only problem? I live in an area that has a very small gay community. It seems like the women who I seem to attract have all been married and have kids or are full of drama. Please, please help me!!!
Dear Lonely and Lost,
Have you considered having a long distance relationship? It might not be ideal, but if you met the right person in time one of you could always consider relocating. If you are open to a long distance relationship you will increase your changes of meeting someone to share your life with. Choose several online dating sites and post a profile. Preferably post profiles on a large, national website since it’s fairly slim pickings in your immediate area.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
My partner and I have been dating for 2 months and we have become very close very fast. Maybe too fast? We met through a shared friend right after both of us got out of 10 and eight month relationships. We share very strong feelings, have an amazing sex life, and have healthy communication—so I thought. Recently she told me that she wants to slow down, not spend so many nights together, and not spend “so much time" together. She said she feels overwhelmed by school (we are both 24 and about to graduate college), work and life, and that she "just needs some space and time to herself". I told her that I understood her needs and respected them, agreed that yes, perhaps we do spend too much time together. I told her that I want her to be happy, so I just want her to communicate her needs with me and I will do my best to accommodate them.
For some reason I feel like there is something she is not telling me and I wonder if this is the end of our relationship. She says she doesn’t want to be with anyone else and she still kisses me and holds my hand. It has been two days since our talk and I’m giving her space. She has been over to my place but has not spent the night - and I haven’t asked why. Why do I feel like I have been so rejected? Why do I feel as if I have been torn apart? I feel as if she has been leading me on or something...and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
I feel as if I should let go of her and let her do her thing, and hope she comes back to me. I have no idea how to handle this curveball because I thought everything was happy and perfect.
Dear Dumbfounded,
If your girlfriend has not given you any reason to doubt her intentions, then take her request for space as simply that. Don’t torture yourself by reading between the lines for hidden messages. Graduating from college and embarking upon a career path is a major turning point in one’s life, one that can be quite daunting. Take comfort in the fact that she still spends time with you and shows you affection.
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
I have a really great friend who I think I am falling for. She is single as well. We have been friends for a couple of years now. Each one of us has had a difficult time recovering from what I would call obsessive crushes on our exes. It’s as if we keep looping back to our crushes and aren’t able to move on. We don’t talk about our exes as often now and I think each of us may finally be ready to move on. There has always been talk between my friend and I about us dating. She says she never wants to get married again; mind you she was married to a man before (not the ex she has the crush on). I would one day like to marry, if not her someone. We have so many things in common and similar struggles in our lives that we have overcome. We live a few states away from each other and talk regularly. Should I address my growing feelings with my love interest/friend or just let things flow where they may?
Dear Baffled,
It sounds like you and your friend have a very comfortable and close relationship. I absolutely suggest that you bring up your feelings to your friend. It sounds as if you are not the only one wondering where the relationship is headed. Hopefully your feelings will be mutual and the two of you can explore a relationship beyond a friendship.
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In Love with a Married Woman |
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Dear Dr. Frankie,
I fell totally in love with a married but confused woman who rocked my world and tipped my boat. We are both in our 50s and we met about a year ago. During our time together I learned some things about her marriage and the way her husband treated her that were really hard to hear. Her parents raised her to value material objects and financial security. She put everything she had into her marriage. Last year she told me that her marriage was over and she had already told her husband. I was really surprised to hear this. In August she told me she was filing for divorce. I learned the day after she filed for divorce she fell and broke her back. Shortly after her fall she severed ties with me. I have never been hurt like this before. The really disappointing thing is how much we opened up to each other.
I felt like she was throwing me away for no reason. I did something I'm very ashamed of when I knew she was dumping me without any good cause or reason. I e-mailed her husband and I apologized to him and said I meant him no harm. But I also told him what a monster he was to her. I felt dead inside and wondered why this wonderful woman went back to him. For the money? Children? I have no answers and she never told me anything. I feel so lost now without her and sad in my heart.
I’m so sad that we shared so much love with each other but it came to such a sad ending. Would I want her back-yes indeed. Some of my friends told me to write to her and apologize for writing to her husband. But what I said was the truth. Friends also tell me to give her space to figure things out, but I don't want to die leaving this world with her hating me. Please Dr. Frankie, if you have any advice I would truly love to hear from you.
Dear Heartbroken,
I’m sorry that you are experiencing so much suffering. It sounds as if one source of your pain is your confusion why a woman who shares such a deep emotional connection with you, would choose to stay in her unhappy marriage. As difficult as it is to believe, your girlfriend’s vanishing act is probably not an indicator that she no longer loves you.
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