Ask Dr. Frankie

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I'm a 28-year-old lesbian and I am looking for a long-term relationship. My problem is that I keep falling for significantly older straight women. Suburban soccer moms are my type! They are just who I'm attracted to and connect with. I have a great relationship with my mom so it isn't a "mom" thing. My last "relationship" was with one of my best friends who regularly (for 3 years!) liked to get drunk and have sex. She is 20 years older than me.  Now she is back to dating men and it broke my heart. My current crush is on a new friend who is 25 years older than I am. At this rate I might start looking for dates at nursing homes! How do I find someone I'm attracted to that is also attracted t o me? Any advice?

-Soccer Mom Lover

Dear Soccer Mom Lover,

There’s nothing wrong with falling for an older woman, but there are obvious complications if they are straight.  To find interesting women closer to your age you might have to start socializing outside of your comfort zone.  Depending on where you live there might be Speed Dating events or mixers that are geared towards certain age ranges.  On the other hand, if the age does not bother you then why change a good thing.  Take some time to consider why you are drawn towards unattainable women.  Is it the thrill of the chase?  Do you yourself fear commitment?  You may be subconsciously setting yourself up in relationships that don’t have a chance to succeed.  I would date outside of your norm and go out with people that have similar goals for a relationship.  Online dating is always a great option to meet new and different types of women. Best of luck!

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I was diagnosed with cancer this past Aug. Why is it that just when I start to know and the feelings start to grow, that the ladies disappear when I tell them?

-Living with Cancer

Dear Living with Cancer,

It’s sad to say, but very true that many people when beginning a relationship will pull away if they perceive challenges, especially health-related.  It must be painful to see someone you’ve grown close to, or see relationship potential in, to withdraw.  It’s quite possibly due to her own fear of illness, as well as the responsibility she will bear for caring for one with cancer.  This is a difficult situation to reframe especially when it is so painful, but try and see this as an opportunity to filter out those who can handle real life situations and be a genuine support.  It is better to find out early rather than later, if your girlfriend can’t handle dealing with a partner with medical issues.

For now focus your energy on the people around you who bring you support and happiness.  Remember, it is not a negative reflection on you that women may have prematurely ended a romantic relationship upon learning you have cancer. They may have their own experiences with loved ones suffering from serious illness, or may not be ready for the responsibility of caring for a partner with cancer.  People fear what they do not know.  I would look at other avenues to meet supportive people.  If and when a woman comes along to share your journey, then she’s a keeper.   You need to meet a woman who understands and is capable of loving and caring for someone inside and out.   Consider joining a support group for those living with cancer.  There are even LGBT chat forums for people living with cancer; it may be nice to connect to other lesbians to talk about their experience as well.

http://www.outwithcancer.com/

http://www.mautnerproject.org

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I just got out of a 9 yr relationship. This man cheated so much that I became a drug addict to cope and ended up in rehab and a psych ward because I tried to take my own life. I'm not proud of this and since then me and him have been together whenever he feels lonely. In the mean time I'm destroying myself. I can't get away from him and say no and move on with my life to find someone new like he is doing. How do I break myself away from him? He's damaging me psychologically and I can't stop myself. Please help. We live in a small town and have a lot of the same friends. I feel like he's become an addiction himself.

-Co-dependency 

Dear Co-dependency,

Sometimes relationships can leave us feeling powerless, pushing our wants and needs to the side to keep hanging onto that special person, despite the emotional pain it brings us.  This experience is very common in co-dependent relationships that turn unhealthy.  If you feel that you’re destroying yourself by giving into your urge to be with him, unable to say no and set a boundary for yourself and are wondering how to break away and end the vicious cycle of dependence, I would start by seeing a therapist who is familiar with working with folks in the LGBT community. In the meantime schedule activities daily to keep yourself busy and distracted in a healthy way.  Increase self care by doing kind things for yourself.  Engaging in activities that usually positively impact your mood such as meeting a friend who makes you feel supported, eating a good meal, taking a bath and so on. Some people will reward themselves for their healthy behavior. For example, if you're able to refrain from calling him for three days then you reward yourself with something that will boost your self esteem and improve your mood.  Make your goals for changing your co-dependency behavior practical and small.  When you create your plan, anticipate the obstacles that may present themselves. These obstacles invariably make it difficult for you to be successful at following through with your commitment to yourself which is to maintain a healthy boundary between you and him. Planning ahead and being prepared will help to increases your chances of being successful at changing your behavior. 

For example, most people who are going through a break-up tend to feel more emotional pain at night. As a result they may find themselves calling their ex and regretting it afterwards at a time of vulnerability. Instead of falling into the cycle, we need to plan for feeling lonely at night and instead of calling him, write a journal entry or write a letter without ever sending it or call a friend which can be a healthy distraction. Ride out the urge like a wave in the ocean. Reminding yourself that it's an emotion that will pass with time.

By doing this, you start to teach yourself your emotions do not run your life and that you don’t have to act on your emotions. When we allow another person’s actions to dictate how we react, we can feel powerless.  When we own our own behavior and choices in reaction to what others do, we feel more in control.

I suggest you focus on your own thoughts and behaviors, while giving yourself credit for changing this cycle.  The most salient point made here is the need to increase positive support in your life starting with increasing your support system by engaging in a support group or seeing a therapist.

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I met the woman I believe to be my soulmate about 2.5 years ago. I did not jump into a relationship with her because I wanted to be sure. After months of deliberation, I finally gave in to my feelings and decided to be with her. At that time, she had already told me that she was in love with me. I accepted her for her as she was and it felt good to be in a relationship where I had no expectations of my partner. Soon after we began a relationship I found out she was still talking to an ex. I was hurt and upset but chose to forgive her and continue with the stipulation that she not talk to this girl or anyone who may have something to do with this girl. I was insecure, jealous, and I had no trust. She felt controlled I felt betrayed. We worked and worked to get past this and finally did this summer. All was going very well or so I thought. Come to find out my soulmate was still not happy. She was telling people that we were not doing well. Our friends began to look at me differently, and life got strange but still I thought all was well.  Then out of the blue, well at least to me, she left one day. I found out after, she left to try to reconnect with a different ex. All the while she was telling me that she wanted to be with me. I am not sure what to do anymore. She left almost 4 months ago. We talk all the time. She tells me she wants to be with me but she still talks often to the ex, who I believe likes to string her along. I feel like I am plan B. I am afraid that this is how my life will always be. I feel like I deserve to be number one. I want to be with her. I want it to work out but she is not going to change and I should not want her to. I am really confused. Some days I am strong and ready to move on, others I am so sad. Do I keep trying or just let go? Please help me.

-Should I Take Her Back

Dear Should I Take Her Back,

It sounds like your ex-girlfriend may be confused herself.  Considering the issues around trust already, it may be an uphill battle to repair the relationship.  Not to say that it can’t happen, it can.  If you both decide to try the relationship again I would strongly recommend getting into couples counseling to really address the underlining issues and see if there are some skills you can use to resolve the issues in the relationship.  Before agreeing to go to couples counseling I’d ask yourself if you’re selling yourself short?  It seems that there were some valid reasons for your lack of trust and that there was a break down in communication with you feeling like things were going well in the relationship and she was unhappy. If you chose to end the relationship expect there to be denial, anger, bargaining (to have the relationship back), depression and acceptance.  The ending of a relationship is often experienced like a death where we go through a mourning process. I would take some time for yourself and really figure out if you are willing to accept the past and keep moving forward in the relationship knowing that there are trust issues or you could focus on yourself, gain back some energy, and pursue a future with someone else that you trust.  Either choice is up to you, I would start with taking a personal break for yourself to sort out your emotions, wants, and needs to be sure you make a decision that includes both consideration to logic and emotions.

Dear Dr. Frankie,

I'm 2 yrs sober and I've been single for almost the same amount of time. If I'm to avoid alcohol type situations how can I meet lesbians without going to the clubs I used to go to?

-Sober

Dear Sober,

I would do some research online and find lesbian events that occur outside of the club scene.  Depending on where you live you can find singles events that include activities such as hiking, rock climbing, snowboarding, skiing and bike riding. You may also be able to find a speed dating event that is held at a venue without alcohol. When placing your profile for online dating, emphasize wanting a partner that who enjoys socializing outside of a bar.  There are many women who don’t care for that scene and are looking for someone who feels similarly.  You may also want to consider volunteering at your local LGBT Center and/or host a social gathering or activity with your sober lesbian friends (having them bring their friends) to meet new people and prove to yourself you can meet women in a new (non triggering) environment.