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Much of the information recommended for couples in magazines and online is outdated. I want to bring you the most recent research on what makes a happy relationship. By this I mean a loving relationship built on a solid foundation. If you’re single stay tuned for several tips to help you develop a strong relationship early on, and understand behaviors that could undermine your future relationship. If you are in a conflict-ridden relationship these techniques may help reduce conflict, and help the positive aspects of the relationship occur more frequently than the negative. Developing and having Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) is a critical component for leading a happy life and fulfilling relationships. PSO occurs when positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones. Research has found that positive-to-negative statements occur about 20-to-1 when PSO occurs. Ultimately, when couples have PSO, there is a positive filter that alters how they remember past events and view new issues. On the other hand, there is Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) that can predict if a relationship is more likely to end. NSO refers to negative statements and behaviors, with five or fewer positive comments made for every negative one. In some cases there is nearly an equal amount of positive: negative statements, which usually indicates that the relationship is on a path to nowhere. NSO indicates that there is a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist, and can cause the couple to rescript their history together. One way to observe NSO or PSO is to ask a couple what drew them together in the first place and listen for the emotional tone given in the response. However, keep in mind there is much more to NSO and PSO than the example I just provided. Read further to learn how to increase PSO and let NSO become a thing of the past.
BUILDING BLOCKS FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
PSO, NSO, and the concepts mentioned below were derived from John Gottman and Julie Schwartz-Gottman; both experts on interpersonal relationships. After studying relationships for the past 30 years, the Gottmans’ demystified why some relationships last and why some do not.
The DNA of PSO:
1. Love Maps: This refers to knowing your partners’ world and showing an interest in her life whether it be work, family, or self. Love maps are especially important to learn in times of little or no conflict in the relationship. Fortify your ship in calm waters for future rough seas. Some dating shows reflect this concept by quizzing the couples on how well they know his/her partner. The more intimate your knowledge of each other is, the more defined your love map will be.
2. Fondness and Admiration: A couple that is affectionate and clear about what they value and admire in each other increases PSO. Many recommend a daily “thankfulness” journal to list attributes of your partner or elements of your life you appreciate. A key here is also sharing what you appreciate about your partner. If you’re single, then write about what you want in a partner. This will help you gauge what you value in others and better identify those traits once you meet that special someone.
3. Managing serious conflict by:
Reducing Physiological Arousal: Avoid getting emotionally heated by maintaining a soothed physiology during arguments. This means when conflict occurs address it in a way that does not promote a rapid heart rate, raised voice, or the development of a fiery red face. Speak calmly, no name-calling, and take a break (address it later) if things are getting too emotionally driven.
Kill her with Kindness: Do your best to try and approach a problem diplomatically and when there is ample time, properly address it. Don’t initiate a conversation about a heated topic ten minutes before your in-laws arrive for dinner. This is also referred to as a “softened startup.” Examples of this would include, “you mean a lot to me and I was wondering what you think about _____; I think _____.”
Accept Desires and Wishes: Learn what your partner wants and help her obtain it. Ladies, we may be in luck as women are typically nurturers and better at giving in this department. Think of these as “acts of love.”
Make Up Wisely: Use humor or concede a point of contention (there’s about one effort every three minutes for most couples) to make up. It’s the attempts to repair and efforts to make up that count here.
De-escalate “Hot” Emotions: Hot emotions occur when you feel an increase of physiological arousal. Breathing slowly (deep in your belly) and creating a “serene face” where you relax your facial muscles and create a neutral to slight smile will help to reduce this state. De-escalation techniques and efforts to compromise also mean admitting to the “seed of truth” in what your partner is saying.
Bids for Affection: This means connecting through a shared joke, wink, kiss, or mutually shared smile. Think of this as self-esteem for a relationship. Making a point to connect in even these simple but meaningful ways greatly increases positive feelings towards each other.
Really Address Issues: Find out the underlying reason for the conflict and how to meet both partners’ needs. The goal here is avoiding gridlock when addressing problems. During conflict resolution, it is crucial to understand your partner’s goal in the matter. We commonly make assumptions about what our partner wants and why they want it, often missing what they really want and reasons for it.
I hope these tips find you well and that you can keep them in the forefront of your mind while enjoying time with your partner or when thinking of a new potential partner. Remember it is not advised to confront Negative Sentiment Override directly; instead you have to build the infrastructure for Positive Sentiment Override first, and slowly shift to building it further. The idea is to replace the negative with positive acts over time.
Good luck!
Much happiness,
Dr. Frankie
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As the holidays are upon us, the pressure of seeing family, participating in festivities, or just surviving the hoopla, can feel overwhelming. I don’t know about you, maybe it’s my Jewish upbringing, but I associate this time of year with several questions including, “are you seeing anyone?” “when are we going to meet your special someone?”, or “how’s the family?” Throughout the years I’ve experienced all types of questions regarding my relationship status and it’s progression. Masterfully dodge and deflect The Inquisition with this mini guidebook to dating during the holidays!