Are You a Commitment-Phobe Magnet?

The term “commitment phobe” is thrown around a lot these days.  The truth is it takes two to keep commitment phobia an active theme in your life.  There are those who attract commitment phobic individuals and there are those who are commitment phobic, whether they realize it or not.

This article is to help you decipher if you occupy either end of the magnet.  Ideally, by identifying if you are a contributing factor, you can avoid playing into relationship avoidance and cultivate a happy, healthy relationship.

Commitment phobia has traditionally been an issue ascribed to men, but the truth is women are just as guilty of having this complex. Commitment-phobia is not a clinical term, but a social term, that’s used to describe a pattern of avoiding emotionally intimate relationships. Someone may find themselves trapped in a commitment-phobic relationship because of the familiar “hot and cold” experience that keeps them lingering around and hoping that it will develop into a consistently “hot” relationship.  I am sorry to break the news, but these relationships usually don’t make it past the hot and cold cycle.  This is not to say that relationships and individuals are incapable of change, but it takes some knowledge and motivation to improve the situation.

In any relationship there are normal ups and downs and periods where partners feel more or less connected; where this differs from commitment phobia, is that “normal” highs and lows may not be as extreme.  In a healthy relationship there will usually be an underlying security in the relationship that can carry you both through the rough patches.  People who are commitment phobic are usually afraid of loss or rejection.  Ironically, commitment phobic behavior often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, by reconfirming the belief that people won’t stick around in relationships.

For example, imagine a relationship between Julie and Elsee who have been dating for 4 months.  Julie displays commitment phobic behavior, such as consistently changing plans, arriving late, and maybe she will text 4 times a day then go 3 days without communicating; Julie’s behavior will eventually exhaust Elsee and the relationship will end. Julie will see the breakup as confirmation that becoming intimate with someone is too painful because it will only end negatively.  Julie will chalk this up as another loss and it will reinforce the belief that she needs to keep her distance from a truly intimate relationship.  On the other hand, if this is the fifth person Elsee has dated that has avoided intimacy, Elsee may begin to avoid emotional intimacy in relationships as well and continue to date the same “commitment phobes.” Many times people in Elsee’s shoes begin to believe “you can’t get your needs met by others” and will then seek out people that confirm this belief.  Although this is a common pattern amongst people stuck in this cycle, there are other ways they may respond.  Perhaps after enough disappointment Elsee might establish clear boundaries and end the relationship if the pattern does not change, or Elsee may stay in the relationship to see if the pattern changes (sometimes with assistance of couples counseling), or Elsee may break it off and continue to attract the same individuals. This brings me to my last point: if you’re attracting them you may be one of them!  You may be thinking “that’s ridiculous!” The truth is that sometimes we seek out those that cannot fulfill our relationship needs to avoid having to be intimate and vulnerable with a partner.

How to change being a commitment phobe?  Try a different behavior, someone who is different than who you are used to, wait out emotions that tell you to distance yourself and ask yourself if it’s your problem or truly them?  Seeing a therapist can be helpful as many of these types of issues relate to fear of loss or abandonment by others.   Not to pathologize normal fears about losing those we get close to, but if this pattern of attracting or being a commitment phobic person has left you feeling lonely and interferes with finding happiness, it may be empowering to take the first steps and change relationship avoidant behavior to attract a solid partner.

1. Hot and Cold: This person will lay it on thick when you’re with them, such as gazing into your eyes and telling you what a strong connection they have with you; then disappear for 5 days with no contact.  Other variations of this may include several phone calls one day then contacting you once a week.  Just think “mixed messages” and you may have struck upon a commitment phobe (or just an old fashioned player).

2.   Their Friends Act Distant: Sure you’re funny, kind, and generous, but your partner’s friends just aren’t that interested in getting to know you or treat you like the flavor of the month.  Or even worse you never meet their friends.  Friends invest time into people they think may be sticking around for a lon g time.  If you’re getting superficial interactions from your partner’s friends, they may know something you don’t.  Be aware of their possible commitment phobic buddy.

3.  Long Distance Lovers: They have a track record of long distance relationships.  In fact, they prefer it!  Long distant relationships may act as a loophole for having someone to care about who cares for you, while not having to deal with the more difficult and sometimes un-sexy day-to-day relationship maintenance.

4.  “I am a Rock, I am an Island” is their personal slogan: Independence in a relationship can be very healthy, but when it’s taken overboard where your emotions are not considered or autonomy always comes first in their life, may mean they’re not ready to be in an interdependent relationship.

5.  Being Close Feels Suffocating: If being close to someone makes you feel trapped, suffocated, or that you want to run away fast, you may be a commitment phobe.  If you’re on the receiving end of this, situations such as having a deep, personal conversation, may later result in them avoiding you soon after.

6.  “Direct me to the nearest exit” the honeymoon phase is over: At the beginning of a relationship everything is new and exciting.  Once the honeymoon fades, they begin to withdraw, lose interest, and no longer invest in the relationship.  If you’re the one who is uninterested, you don’t think of the future with them after the novel thrills have left the relationship.

7.  “All my exes are crazy:” If the person you’re dating refers to all of their exes as crazy, unstable, or overly dependent, a red flag should be going off.  A great way to think about this is what pattern has happened in their previous relationship that has triggered erratic behavior in their past partners (if it has occurred at all).

8.  Overdose on the Sweet talking: If they are “all talk and no action,” it may be a sign that they want to keep you on the line, while not having to make an acutal commitment.  Additionally, if they come on very strong at the beginning of the relationship, ie. “we’re soul mates,” it is likely they’ve said this with ease before in the past.

Be sure to look for a cluster of these behaviors that occur as a pattern, before jumping to conclusions.  Finding one or two on this list may just be personality traits or a mood they were experiencing and does not necessarily make them commitment phobic.  I hope these tips help you identify if commitment phobia is playing a part in your life and can inspire you to take some action so you can find a happy, healthy relationship you deserve.