How to Attract a Partner Worth Keeping

A new year means a fresh start with new goals and opportunities. If anything, it’s a great time to reflect on what you want for the year to come. A common theme I hear is “how do I find and keep a secure relationship.” Even though we can’t control whee meet our partner there are many steps we can take to create a space that is stable, secure, and ready for growth. This will increase the chances of attracting a happy, healthy partner. You may be asking, “how do I create that?” and the answer is by being open, secure in oneself, and taking risks to meet new people. Do you find yourself feeling burned out on the dating scene? If so it can be difficult to stay open and be ready to receive interactions with others. People can detect when others are guarded and not open to new possibilities. To change this pattern and switch the “no vacancy” sign to “vacant”, you need to recognize when you’re being closed off. Do you ever find yourself rationalizing reasons that you can’t go out or try new things? Excuses may include, “I shouldn’t spend the money”, “I’ve done this before and I didn’t meet anyone”, or “I’m not ready.” The first step to staying open is noticing what self-statements are blocking you from growing or experiencing more.

Once you identify these unproductive statements, do the “opposite action.” If you find yourself thinking, “I’ll wait for them to call me to see if they’re interested” then do the “opposite action” and call them. This is a great technique for opening up your world if you’ve noticed the walls closing in around you. Staying open also includes saying “yes” more than “no.” If someone you’re not initially interested in asks you out, try saying “yes.” Worst case scenario you can meet a new acquaintance.

How to increase security within oneself? The easiest route is by maximizing what you already have going for you. Think of 5 words to describe yourself. If something on that list doesn’t sit well with you, find a new way of redefining that trait. For example, if you’re “stubborn” you could be “bold” or “passionate.” If you’re bothered by being shy, embrace it. Many people find those that are shy to be intriguing and mysterious. What I’ve just described is a strength based approach where traits, even those that are (personally) viewed as negative, have the potential for being positive. Redefining characteristics you have is a great way to increase self-esteem and empowerment. Changing your cognitions in positive ways will change your behavior and the way you are perceived by others, for the better.

Ingredients for Finding a Meaningful Relationship

1. Be Receptive: Even if you’re looking for “the one,” be open to love wherever it comes. This means accepting a lot of dates and asking out a lot of people. Mrs. Right might arrive in a way you never expected and come in a package different from what you’ve imagined.
2. Stay in the Moment: Don’t think too far ahead. It’s all too often that we get caught up in thinking of the future once we meet someone we’re interested in, thoughts such as “do they like me, will this become serious, are we going to date again,” are very common. The goal is to reduce “what-if” statements to alleviate anxiety, get out of your head, and enjoy the moment. “What-if” statements can place unnecessary pressure on your date, when you are looking for answers that address what direction your relationship is headed (at least if this is done too early in the relationship). Just enjoy the moment by mentally reviewing what has already happened, and connecting with that individual.
3. Don’t Become Exclusive: You may be thinking this advice is counterproductive, but becoming exclusive before you’re in a committed relationship can be a mistake. Have you ever stopped accepting dates from other women once you’ve found someone you really like? Well don’t do it! Until you’ve clarified that you’re in a committed relationship keep your options open. This way you can maintain individuality and avoid making one person the center of your world too early in the relationship. Ultimately this can be a win-win situation, by dating other people you will just confirm how much you like that “one” individual more and it prevents you from coming across as overly dependent.
4. 3 Dates Rule: Don’t write her off… yet. Whether your first impression is that she is too opinionated, rigid, short, or heavy, give them a chance. A lot of happy couples weren’t interested in each other during their first encounter but over time they began to see each other differently. Treat each date as an opportunity and if you’re not totally sold on them, give them at least three dates to decide.
5. Body Language: If you’re interested, act interested. Body language is a key component that communicates your level of interest, that being open or closed off. Closed body language includes crossing your arms, stiff posture, clenched hands, and frowning. When you’re on a date do a quick check-in with your body language. Drop your shoulders, lean forward or backwards, relax your hands, and smile.
6. Honest Communication: If something bothers you, voice how it makes you feel. If they are continually late, forget to call, or talk about their ex too much, vocalize how these scenarios impact you. Express your feelings in a clear, non-blaming tone that invites your date to be part of the solution. Use “I statements” (I think, I feel, I want…) avoid “you statements,” this puts people on the defense. Be sure to tell them you’re bringing the issue up because you enjoy being around them (i.e. they’re worth investing in). This also helps you discover how they respond to your requests and what changes they’re willing to make.
7. Be You: Don’t pretend you’re something you’re not- it’s counterproductive and delays finding out if there’s a true connection. All of your quirks, different opinions held, or past experiences make you unique. The idea is to let go of the need to be perfect and try not to over-censor your comments, this allows a genuine connection to develop.
8. Put your Needs First: It’s true that every relationship is a give and take, but by taking care of yourself first your partner will learn that you are a person who knows their worth. If you treat yourself with kindness and respect, people around you will do the same, or they risk losing you. If you are happy and content with yourself it will positively reflect onto your relationship.