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What if your sex life isn’t making love but more like making “blah?”  Perhaps you have a wonderful, happy relationship with your partner; but when it comes to sex it isn’t the mind-blowing, toe-curling, light-my-hair-on-fire experience you’re craving. Whether you’ve been in a relationship for 20 years or have been seeing somebody for 2 months, this lack of chemistry can really take a toll.  It’s all too common that we become tongue-tied when discussing sex with our partner.  We may be afraid of hurting our partner’s ego or creating a complex that ultimately makes sex worse.  Whatever the reason, keep in mind that a lack of communication will usually do more harm than good.  

I’m not saying to go out today and start critiquing your partner’s performance.  There are constructive ways to broach this sensitive subject that can leave your partner feeling good about the conversation vs. questioning their abilities.  How you go about this can make or break the conversation.  In many instances, the partner on the receiving end of the conversation will be glad you are bringing up the topic because he/she may be feeling the same low wattage.  Find a comfortable place to talk and bring up your wants.  Talk about what you want to add to your sex life.  Avoid putting your partner on the defensive by bringing up what they’re not doing or what you don’t like.  The goal here is to suggest a new behavior (whatever it may be that you enjoy) to replace the behavior you don’t enjoy.  For example, if you don’t like your partner’s hygiene, suggest showering together as foreplay. Consider a subtle hint, like “I love it when you smell like (the soap they use/laundry/fresh linen/baby powder/you get the idea), it turns me on.”  My point is that you can turn a negative (what frustrates you) into a positive (ie: a playful, sexy request).

Sure, you may tell your friends that your new girlfriend is a few years younger, but once she whips out her license, it’s certain there’s a Grand Canyon sized generational gap. What do you do? Do you panic? Do you downplay the age difference? Or do you decide to celebrate feeling connected to another person? I commonly hear couples express both excitement and anxiety when entertaining the idea of an intergenerational relationship. If this sounds like you, this newsletter will help you identify common anxieties that often occur in these relationships and how to handle those concerns. The term intergenerational refers to interacting with others from a different generation. When this is applied to dating the life experiences of the individuals will undoubtedly influence the relationship, in both positive and negative ways. Many people worry about the judgments of others, stages of life differences, and their partner’s ability to understand their priorities that often change over time. There can even be a power struggle in the relationship between one “knowing more through experience” and the other feeling judged for their novel experiences. Finding a new way to view the differences can transform an obstacle into a benefit.

You just found out that your partner has cheated on you. Maybe it was their distant behavior that tipped you off or the late nights coming home, whatever the clues were, it happened, so what to do now? Once a person learns of their partner’s infidelity they can feel shocked, physically ill, angry, sad, and a great loss for what they thought the relationship entailed. For many, their instinct is to end the relationship or assume that there’s no way the relationship can survive. The truth is relationships can be salvaged after an affair has occurred. In some instances, the relationship can become even stronger after a partner has been unfaithful.

I commonly hear the topic of infidelity discussed in the LGBTQ community and I find there is a great need to dispel the myth: cheating always results in a relationship ending. There is life pre-infidelity and post-infidelity, how each person in the relationship handles the betrayal can either repair or permanently tarnish the relationship.

There are many factors that dictate if a relationship can survive. Partner’s attitudes, ability to “fight fair,” and wanting to repair the relationship come first and foremost. How one learns of the infidelity, length of the cheating, and level of the emotional/physical affair are additional factors that need to be honestly addressed. If you are the one who cheated and want to come out of the storm with your relationship intact, be honest with yourself, why did the affair happen in the first place? Was it one night ending with poor impulse control or were you enjoying the thrill of the chase, attention, or maybe searching for an emotional connection?

In many long-term relationships a lack of intimacy or high conflict, precedes the affair. If this is the case, re-establishing the relationship would involve addressing the affair, allowing time for the non-cheater to process and re-evaluate the relationship, and confronting the issues that pre-dated the affair. There is hope after infidelity occurs and in many cases it’s an opportunity to rebuild a closer connection with your partner.

Much of the information recommended for couples in magazines and online is outdated. I want to bring you the most recent research on what makes a happy relationship. By this I mean a loving relationship built on a solid foundation. If you’re single stay tuned for several tips to help you develop a strong relationship early on, and understand behaviors that could undermine your future relationship. If you are in a conflict-ridden relationship these techniques may help reduce conflict, and help the positive aspects of the relationship occur more frequently than the negative. Developing and having Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) is a critical component for leading a happy life and fulfilling relationships. PSO occurs when positive comments and behaviors outweigh negative ones. Research has found that positive-to-negative statements occur about 20-to-1 when PSO occurs. Ultimately, when couples have PSO, there is a positive filter that alters how they remember past events and view new issues. On the other hand, there is Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) that can predict if a relationship is more likely to end. NSO refers to negative statements and behaviors, with five or fewer positive comments made for every negative one. In some cases there is nearly an equal amount of positive: negative statements, which usually indicates that the relationship is on a path to nowhere. NSO indicates that there is a negative filter that screens out the few positive events that exist, and can cause the couple to rescript their history together. One way to observe NSO or PSO is to ask a couple what drew them together in the first place and listen for the emotional tone given in the response. However, keep in mind there is much more to NSO and PSO than the example I just provided. Read further to learn how to increase PSO and let NSO become a thing of the past.

A new year means a fresh start with new goals and opportunities. If anything, it’s a great time to reflect on what you want for the year to come. A common theme I hear is “how do I find and keep a secure relationship.” Even though we can’t control whee meet our partner there are many steps we can take to create a space that is stable, secure, and ready for growth. This will increase the chances of attracting a happy, healthy partner. You may be asking, “how do I create that?” and the answer is by being open, secure in oneself, and taking risks to meet new people. Do you find yourself feeling burned out on the dating scene? If so it can be difficult to stay open and be ready to receive interactions with others. People can detect when others are guarded and not open to new possibilities. To change this pattern and switch the “no vacancy” sign to “vacant”, you need to recognize when you’re being closed off. Do you ever find yourself rationalizing reasons that you can’t go out or try new things? Excuses may include, “I shouldn’t spend the money”, “I’ve done this before and I didn’t meet anyone”, or “I’m not ready.” The first step to staying open is noticing what self-statements are blocking you from growing or experiencing more.