Dear [FIRSTNAME],

TIP OF THE MONTH: 

What not to do on a first date:  Don’t tell them your whole history on the first date, or the third.  Slowly reveal yourself to the person you’re dating.  This creates a sense of mystery and establishes healthy boundaries with the person you’re seeing. Many people may feel overwhelmed (early in the relationship) when confronted with disclosures that feel like a therapy session.  Keep the first several dates light hearted, happy, and fun.  This keeps the person your dating interested in learning more about who you are at a healthy pace.

Do you ever wonder what the ingredients are for a healthy, lasting relationship?  Movies, magazines and TV pummel us with images of beautiful people in relationships oozing with love, laughter, spontaneity and sexual chemistry.  The grass doesn’t just look greener on the other side; it’s blinding optic green!  To maintain realistic expectations and fight the temptation to jump the fence to the closest, greenest, pasture, lets identify and adapt strategies that foster healthy relationships.

All good relationships take time and effort.  Yes.  It’s a cliché. But it also happens to be the truth.  In this newsletter we will explore ways to avoid exerting wasted energy into counterproductive measures.  Common energy wasting traps may include trying to fix your partner’s problems, staying up all night to resolve an issue, or trying to read your partner’s mind (or expecting her to read yours).  Despite your wonderful intentions you may not be furthering the growth of your relationship and reaching the desired outcome.  Listening to your partner, planning a time to meet and resolve conflicts, and asking questions to learn what your partner wants; verses assuming what they want, are just a few positive adjustments we can make to improve communication and strengt hen our relationships.

To grow in a relationship one needs to be open to feedback, learn new ways to communicate, and learn to balance the needs of each person in the relationship as it changes over time.  Having a realistic expectation of the relationship is another important factor.  Understanding the difference between what you want and what you need in a relationship is a great place to start.  Even if you are not in a relationship this exercise may be helpful in identifying what you want in a future relationship.  An example of this is what you are willing to tolerate (ie. want), and what you are not willing to live without (ie. need).  For instance, someone may want their significant other to go to ordinary social events with them, even if they are not interested, but they need someone that will attend important holidays in their life.  The overall difference here is that wants are areas where one may compromise, but needs are deal breakers.  I suggest that you write specific behaviors under each of these categories to better illustrate what you are looking for verses global labels such as “be respectful.”  This can help you open up the communication about what is important to you in a relationship and learn what your partner needs in turn. I suggest focusing on one topic at a time when discussing the list with your partner.  Remember to always use “I statements,” (I feel …, I need…., I think…) as they will lead to less defensiveness when discussing areas of growth.

Learning From the Masters:
Advice for a Healthy Relationship

Creating a healthy relationship involves learning from those that have mastered the skills to keep a relationship vibrant. Research has found that long-term happy couples commonly commit to these behaviors:  

1. Actively Listen: Couples that listen to each other feel more connected and understood.  This means using body language to convey that you are interested, such as leaning in when they’re speaking, making eye contact, and using the technique of “mirroring” in which you repeat what your partner just said so they feel heard.  Jack Rosenblum, Ph.D., co-author of Five Secrets of Marriage from the Heart, suggests that making your partner feel heard may require you to bite your tongue and not always volunteer advice when your partner needs to talk. Listening does not mean talking over your partner or talking for them, but allowing them the space to vent without judgment or a providing a running commentary.

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