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Dear Dr. Frankie,

This is my first time in a lesbian relationship. Here’s the timeline: we connected six months ago and dated for four months. Her ex wreaked havoc, so she spoke to her ex and they hashed out some past issues. The daily texts between them began to cause a lot of anxiety and fights between us. Throughout our relationship my girlfriend kept saying I was “the one”. We planned our future together and she talked about marriage. I thought to myself, “she is really serious!” Two weeks ago on a Sunday she wanted to marry me, she was head over heels. By Tuesday she said that we needed space. On Friday she ended things by saying that we were not meant to be. This was all via text!!! I got no explanation, only excuses. I tried to communicate with her but she does not want to speak. Three days later on the following Monday I got a text that she hopes I am doing well!! Well guess what, I’m devastated! I am so in love with her and she left me so abruptly. These past two weeks I got three texts without having initiated any. I am thoroughly confused. Did she shut the door too soon and now she regrets it and wants an opening? Or is this a game?

—Baffled

Dear Baffled,

Based on your girlfriend’s (at-best) cryptic communication it’s impossible to know what is motivating her to be so hot and cold. Regardless of her intentions, she is clearly not taking your feelings into consideration. She is showing you that she has no regard or respect for you when it comes to how her behavior impacts you. Typically when a person does the push-pull thing, it’s often because they’re conflicted or ambivalent about what they want. Also, in my experience it’s difficult for women to completely let go of their ex’s. Women’s ex’s just seem to looooove to lurk around in the shadows. She may have unfinished business with her ex that is holding her back from being completely available to you. Be kind to yourself by not torturing yourself over someone who does not respect you, and whose idea of ending a relationship via text message is considered acceptable conduct.

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