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Dear Dr. Frankie,
I am an attractive butch that is attracted to feminine women. I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 10 years with a femme who demanded control..I loved her or thought I did..I left her about 1 year and 1/2 ago and am ready to meet a true lady…it seems the ones I talk to on the phone before I even meet them just become obsessed and I have a problem with that. I would love to meet a true feminine lady and at some point have a relationship but I do want someone who knows how to show love as well as give love…so where do I start?

-Fatal Attraction

Dear Fatal Attraction,

Alright, it sounds like you have a lot to offer in a relationship.  I would recommend taking things very slowly and voicing that you want the relationship to unfold naturally; happily, healthy, and with stages to look forward to (like moving in together).  It can be helpful to set limits with others early in the relationship so that they get the message early on, “don’t smother me.”  Try spreading out the time between dates and when you see each other.  Start off talking a few times a week.  As for where to start, I’d try online dating to screen out the individuals you want and highlight what you really want in a partner.  That you have a pattern of meeting women that become obsessed, means trying to meet women outside of your normal criteria. The reason I’m saying this is that sometimes we get into a pattern of attracting all the wrong people and the same “type.” Look at what initially attracts you to a femme and what specific characteristics you find in them that you like, then (and this is the hard part) try to date those that fit some criteria but maybe not fit other pieces of it.  That way you’re broadening your scope and you may break the pattern of meeting girls with no boundaries that want to run the show or smother you.  Another method is asking a potential date how she creates balance in her life.  A femme that answers being active, working, socialize with friends, and caring for her relationship, may show some abilities to be balanced vs. being “over the top.”  Overall, screen the femmes and try meeting some women out of your normal criteria.

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