When it comes to dating, do you find yourself thinking these phrases:
I hate lesbian dating
Dating is so hard
I wish I could find someone decent to date
All the good ones are taken
I just can’t seem to find anyone
If so, you are not alone. But the question is..why? Why would you be saying or thinking these things?
I can write an entire blog about the reasons outside of yourself that contribute to dating being so difficult, but the truth is: Despite all of those reasons, there are still many, many people out there who do not struggle with dating and who do successfully couple up.
If we take the focus off of those things you cannot control, I challenge you right now to stop and think about why dating could be such a struggle for you. To really consider as well that it might not be the dating that is hard..but perhaps something about how you are dating that is making things so hard.
Yes, I said it. Perhaps you are doing something that could be making it so difficult. I ask this because while nobody is “perfect”, most people who find dating so hard really do have many great and desirable qualities that would make them a good partner. Oftentimes they, as well as those who know them, are confused about why they haven’t found someone yet.
So if you don’t have some glaring quality that has every first date running for the hills, there must be something going on in the dating process that is making it so difficult for you.
Figuring that out is not about placing blame on you and trying to make you feel bad about yourself. It is about gaining awareness and moving forward so you can finally overcome this obstacle and maybe even start enjoying the process of dating.
After all..the real goal here is to be successful at dating so you can finally be in a fulfilling and happy relationship, right? So, let’s see if you might be doing some of these self-sabotaging behaviors:
The Ex Factor
You have broken up physically, but emotionally, your ex is like an unwelcome ghost in every interaction you have with any new person you meet. If your new partner says or does anything that even remotely reminds you of things your ex said or did, you may unintentionally sabotage your new relationship by responding to this new person as if they were your ex. Basically, you unfairly treat someone new as if they have done every wrong and hurt to you that your ex did…only they are not your ex, and they haven’t done anything wrong. They are just paying the price…and have no idea why.
Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common behavior that really, truly great people unknowingly engage in that is the reason they cannot find success in dating.
An example: When someone sees their new partner texting on their phone or bringing it with them when they leave the room getting very angry and demands to see their phone. Even though this new partner has done nothing to deserve being the target of such anger and demands, the other person’s reaction is due to them having found out about their ex cheating on them by seeing text messages on their phone.
Going in with the inability to trust and/or making the new person jump hurdles to prove themselves won’t lead to a healthy or happy relationship.
Are you hot and cold? One day you truly believe that this other person is the greatest person in the world and you can see yourself with them forever; then, the next day this thought scares you, so you end up pulling away by either picking a fight or finding something that causes you major doubts and concerns about continuing the relationship.
This push-pull, hot-cold behavior can only be tolerated for so long by someone before it starts to destroy the trust and foundation of any relationship. There lacks consistency and the other person starts to feel uneasy, wondering where they stand with you from one minute to the next. They start to worry constantly about the state of the relationship and cannot relax and feel safe knowing that your feelings for them are not going to change from one day to the next based on some arbitrary event, word or thing that you decide suddenly casts doubt on the entire relationship.
Do you say one thing but yet your actions simply don’t match them?
For instance, you say you want a long-term committed relationship and may even be in relationships with people for some time that have the appearance that they are headed in that direction, yet your actions in the relationship are not helping to move the relationship beyond that of superficial and casual.
This can cause much confusion, frustration and, resentment and ultimately, the breakup of any relationship you try to have. As each relationship ends, you walk away wondering what happened and wonder why nothing ever works out, and then start dating again, only to have the same thing happen over and over again.
Typical behaviors of a “Yes, But…” include:
- Do you talk with the person you are dating about going away on a vacation or long weekend, yet when it comes down to it, yet always put off actually making the plans with what sound like viable or even reasonable excuses such as work, family or financial obligations?
- Do you typically put off making plans with the person you are dating until the last minute, saying things like “I don’t know what’s going on yet”, or “I am sure we will figure something out”. Unable or willing to commit your time to this person in case something or someone else better comes along, this is your way of never really allowing any emotional intimacy, connection or bond to form between you and the other person.
- Do you invest “just enough” into the relationship, stringing along the other person along? You see them, talk to them, text them “enough” to keep them thinking that this relationship is moving forward, yet when it comes to each of you attending events where you will publicly be seen as a couple like weddings, family events, holidays, etc.. you somehow never seem to invite them or go to theirs when invited.
- Likewise, are you unwilling or hesitant to acknowledge the other person or the relationship publicly on your social media sites? Still appearing single, free and available while in a relationship is your way of “making sure” that nobody better is out there before truly, fully committing to just one person.
After reading all of the above, is there anything you may be doing or saying that you think could be contributing to your “hate” for dating?
If you answered yes, consider these three points:
- Are you really ready to date right now?
- Were you really hurt in a past relationship, and now you’re afraid you will choose the “wrong” person again and get hurt again?
- If you truly want to have a partner, yet you feel commitment phobic – don’t you think you should deal with that first?
RECOVERY from previous traumas/hurts is CRUCIAL to your dating success. Did you hear that? You must actively recover from the pain you’ve endured before you can successfully date. And that doesn’t mean just acknowledging the pain and moving on. It means actively engaging in recovery activities. These activities include:
- Going to a therapist regularly
- Attending Al-Anon or AA Meetings to deal with someone else’s abuse, alcoholism, work-a-holism or mental health issues
- Developing a regular meditation practice
- Joining a support group in your area for folks dealing with relationship issues
- Reading everything you can about healthy dating, recovering from breakups or how to date in your 30’s (40’s, etc)
Every single day, I hear from women all over the world that want a long term partner. Someone to love and will love them. Millions of them.
They all tell me the same thing: Dating is hard – to which I reply,”You’re not doing it right.” You have to have an open mind, you have to be okay with being vulnerable and you have to be (at least on your way) to feeling recovered from your previous hurts to be truly be able to see the joy and light in dating. After all, the only thing we can truly control in this life is our reactions and a little introspection to see if you have any part in why you hate dating so much may just be what you need to be successful at it going forward.