The secret to lesbian dating, isn’t a secret at all.
On a daily basis, I talk to a lot of lesbians. Whether it’s at a Single Mingle event, in the course of a consultation or as a matchmaking client, these women are successful, funny, talented, healthy and lacking one thing: A partner.
They come to me from a variety of situations: Their work is too demanding to allow time to search for a match, they’ve been single for a period of time and want some professional assistance, or they simply want to widen their social network.
Whatever the circumstances, these women tell me the same thing and herein lies Secret #1: Regardless of our identity, we all want the same things in a partner.
She should have a sense of humor, a sense of fun, be healthy, have passion about something in her life, be able to go out and do things, but also be happy staying home and watching movies. She should be a superb conversationalist, have emotional intelligence, be financially secure, not have a drug problem and enjoy a glass of wine from time to time.
Sound like your perfect match? She is. Nearly all of the women I talk to describe their perfect match as this person.
She exists. She’s right in front of you. She’s the woman in the bar with long hair, waiting patiently for the butch to pick her up, she’s the quiet nerdy girl at the cafe, typing furiously on her computer or she’s the professional, on the bus seat next to you, reading the newspaper. She’s right here, where you are standing.
She wants to meet you just as much as you want to meet her.
Secret #2: It’s a numbers game.
Like any good salesperson will tell you, “Always be closing.” While that might sound harsh in regards to matters of the heart, it’s a simple reminder: If you want to find a partner, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
You have to go on a lot of dates with people you might not necessarily be attracted to or don’t know much about. And there’s beauty in this: You can meet someone new, find out her story, spend time getting to know her and enjoying the ride of where it might take you. It may last one date, it may last ten.
The hard part isn’t finding someone who is funny, interesting and attractive: The hard part is finding someone who is COMPATIBLE with you. Are you a serious homebody? Then someone with wanderlust isn’t going to be a good match. Are you an old school butch looking for your high femme? Then you’re going to need to start picking up the girls with long hair (and not assuming they’re straight). Do you hate jazz? Then a jazz lover/musician might not work out so well.
If the hard part IS meeting someone who is funny, interesting and attractive, then do a couple of things: Relax your expectations (love at first sight or knowing she’s “the one,” at first glance isn’t reality) and widen your net (I offer more practical tips on this in a previous blog post).
The truth is, we all want the same thing in life: To love and be loved. We all have an infinite capacity for love and finding it isn’t the problem – It’s finding someone who hates your music, yet still loves you, that’s the REAL secret.
And the only way you’re going to find that out is if you date more people.
While we might suffer broken hearts, unmet expectations or betrayals, if we allow ourselves to truly be present to the dating process, to grow and understand that we all want the same things, we become less guarded, more aware and more open.
We all deserve love. I hope my not-so-secret lesbian dating secrets give you confidence and allow you to boldly step in the direction of finding the partner that you deserve.