How To Use Online Dating Effectively
In a Ted Talk by Evan Marc Katz called No More Bad Dates, he discusses an essential conflict between speed and comfort. Some women want speed, preferring to meet up right away. Others want the comfort of knowing a little more about the person before they meet. He suggested a way to resolve this conflict by using the following plan:
- Two messages on the dating site or app
- Two messages in your personal email addresses
- Two phone calls
These take place BEFORE the first date. The intention is to know more about the person before you show up across a table from them, illustrating the title, “No more bad dates.” Communicating via personal email is more intimate then the dating site or app. A phone call is even more intimate. You can assess many things about a woman by hearing her voice, asking questions, and having a short phone conversation. He recommends scheduling the conversation so it doesn’t devolve into phone tag. The whole process takes less then a week.
Another tips: Create a well-crafted message. Give her something engaging to respond to.
Texting a simple, “Hi there,” or “Hey,” is not engaging. Even a “I saw your profile and liked it, do you want to hang out sometime?” isn’t a good option either. You need to give her something COMPELLING to respond to. Something that provokes her to reply because she wants to know more.
Think of what YOU respond to. Something funny? An irreverent comment about online dating? A compliment? Craft a message either based on her profile, or something based on your own profile that she’ll find intriguing.
Post a profile photo no less than two months old
There’s nothing more untrustworthy than meeting someone for the first time, and she looks nothing like her profile photo. Whether she’s gained weight, lost weight, changed her hair or looks significantly older than her photo, it’s a HUGE turn off. And we’re turned off because she’s basically lied to you, and that’s no way to start a relationship.
If you don’t like the way you look RIGHT NOW, then do something about it BEFORE you go online. Get new hair, a facial or start a new regimen that makes you feel confident. If you simply don’t have photos less than two months old, get some. Grab a friend, a nice outfit and go outside to a park or somewhere open and snap a few. Better yet, get professional head-shots taken. Headshots can be useful for your business, your social media profiles, as well as your online dating presence. If you can’t afford to pay for headshots, do a trade with a photography student a local art school. They use your shots for their portfolio and you get good, recent photos.
Attitude is also a large factor in online dating
Staying positive and communicating clearly are important parts of the process. If someone doesn’t respond, there are infinite numbers of reasons why, that have absolutely nothing to do with rejection. You don’t even know this person or what might she be going through in her life. A good phrase to have in your head if someone disappears or doesn’t want a second date is “Next Please.” There is no shortage of amazing women out there.
We all like to go hiking and want to travel. Make your profile unique – Post something interesting.
99% of the women I interview in Consultations say this:
I want a woman who has passion in her life, loves herself, is active, is kind, wants to travel and has a great sense of humor.”
Make your profile memorable. Do you make streetlights go out when you run under them? Add that (it’s called “Street Light Interference Phenomenon“. Google it).
Do you like to do something spectacular in your spare time, like rock climb or do triathlons or write romance novels? Include that.
Or maybe you’re not that adventurous, but you do things that are extraordinary, like participate in a 24 hour gamer stream to raise money for Extra Life? Add that too.
The point is: If you aren’t your true, awkward, weird and completely individual self, then who are you going to be?
Have Realistic Expectations
Believing you’re going to find “The One,” on a first blind date with someone you met online, is for the movies, not real life. That’s why we love Rom-Coms so much – They’re fantasies. It takes a really long time to get to know someone, so adjust your expectations accordingly. If you like her, tell her so. If you find that you have at least something in common, suggest a second date to find out how you get along. If you don’t feel any chemistry, but like her anyway, stick with it. She might turn out to be your best friend.
…Including Adjusting Your Communication Expectations
The reality of today is that people don’t call, they don’t respond and sometimes, they never get back to you. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean they hate you, find you unworthy or are rejecting you. People are simply too overwhelmed with information to take the time to attend to those communication activities.
If she never gets back to you, simply think, “Next Please.” There are SO MANY WOMEN yearning for long term partners, that’s it’s simply not worth your time to fret over ones that never reply to you.
The final ingredient in successful online and app dating is patience
Sometimes someone will get back to you months later and they may still be amazing, but not checking the site. Evan Katz went on 300 dates before finding his wife. He wasn’t upset about the high number because he was enjoying the dating process. He loved going on all those dates, meeting all those interesting women and weeding out any potential bad dates by communicating thoroughly in his pre-date conversations. Remember the 1994 lesbian classic movie “Go Fish?” It ends with a promise: The Girl is Out There. Now go get her!
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